It's been awhile, figured I'd update. Still working on the DP, even though I haven't been posting on it. Just thought I'd lay some fears to rest.
My faith has been a roller coaster as of late. I'm still working on this whole prayer thing too. I believe I'm praying for the wrong things...and in turn it's slowly eroding my faith. I was in a really bad spot in multiple ways about a week ago. Then my friend at work got fired...and I was devastated. For the loss of a good co-worker, yes...but also because I felt that I couldn't really take anymore bad shit. I even remember texting my good friend Kt and telling her that it really wasn't helping and I didn't know if I could make it through yet another bad situation. She reassured me as best as she could, but I was still down. Then the recently fired friend and I hung out all night...and being able to be laid back and as open as we were the first few nights we met was enough for me. The timing was exactly when it needed to be...and it restored my faith. My faith in that friend and what I thought was a slowly dying friendship...and my faith in prayer. I still think I need to work on prayer, and figure out exactly what it means to me.
I did read an interesting thing on offerings on the Norse path. I really don't remember where I was reading, but it stated that we don't offer to bribe the gods. Nor do we offer to reward them for granting us something. We offer to build a relationship. I agree with this, but I think it's easier said then done. I think I was on the right path, sitting Odin and just leaving a beer on the altar for him while I had something to drink as well and I would sit and listen to music, or watch a movie, or read...while burning incense. But then, then I switched to praying *for* something while offering...and I think this is where some of my problems came in because I did wonder when things started going badly. So I think I will try to go back to what I was doing...because I think I was more on track then.
This morning, I pulled Halagaz. At first I was scared, scared maybe I'd get fired (I get paranoid when one of my really good friends and co-workers gets fired). Then I thought maybe it meant I would hear something about my transfer request. But really, really I think it was saying that the destruction that had just happened...the past week and then my friend loosing his job...it's okay. For both of us. I know for a fact that when I dropped him off that night he was better. He didn't want to admit he was upset, he hid it well...but there were a few things that gave it away. I'm glad I could be there for him, but it wasn't unselfish because I needed it too. I needed to know our friendship can survive not being co-workers. This will be a challenge, but right now...I have faith, and that's all I can ask for.
I forgot to mention. I also made an odd observation today. As some of you know (I can't remember if I've written about it here), I sometimes have a hard time accepting Odin in my life still. Everything from just ignoring it for days to all out screaming at him. Oddly, the screaming helps somethings...but anyway. My Thor's Hammer I wore for years straight and would actually feel very uncomfortable if I left the house with out it. The same is not true of my Valknut and sometimes I even hesitate putting it on. Some days I just don't want to wear it and it takes all the strength I have to put it on. The other day was one of those days. The night before was amazing (see above) and I even got home a lit some incense in thanks to Odin...but waking up that morning, no matter how good the night before was, I was hesitant to put on my necklace, but I felt like I needed to. The day was uneventful...it was more about putting it on that morning.
I just wonder...how long am I going to be having a hard time dealing with Odin? Is it really always going to be this hard for me to accept?